Oh Lord, I Want You to Help Me!

I had one of those days where it just doesn't pay to get out of bed...

Last night I watch a very famous women talk about when she wanted to take her life and that she told her daughter good bye. I understood the darkness she was experiencing.  I don't want to take my life but I do understand how all the stuff we go through daily can bring you to a low point.  I hit near low today. So much has compounded that I'm just downright angry with everyone right now.  I'm not even sure want to do about it.  I decided to pray and try to lift this funk that descended on me today.

Nkenge

Today was a good day...

I couldn't sleep last night.  My anxiety keeps me up before big events. So I didn't sleep at all excited about my daughter starting school.  No words could express my jumble of emotions. She was ready and there was no need for my nerves. 

My little lady

Feeling Fine like '89

What were you doing this time in 1989. Me I was getting ready to start High School at Miami Killian.  I had picked out 3 possible outfits.  My hair was in curlers and I was thinking of all the possible things that was going to happen in the upcoming school year.

Today I am thinking about combing my daughters hair. Picking the perfect outfit, and all the possibilities for her over the next 13 years.  The majority of the people I met in  Kindergarten were still the people I knew by the time I made it to high school.  We traveled together for 13 years.   I curious and hopeful that  she meets great kids that stick with her for the long haul.  Kids/schools are so different today.  Well, I hope if you are reading this an have kids headed to school soon or have just started that they have a great year.

Nkenge

Full of Hope for the future...

Today was a banner day in the Owens house.  We went to my daughters school for Meet the Teacher Day.  It was exciting, scary, frustrating, and a long time coming.   My oldest daughter is starting kindergarten on Monday 8-26-13.  We didn't think we would get here. It was a hard pregnancy I will save you the details.   My baby was born early and weighed only 4 lbs.  She was so tiny and so perfect to me.
It was utterly amazing that we walked into her school home for the next few years.  She was so ready in fact told me bye mom at the door.   We had to have a teary heart to heart about when school really starts and that today we were just coming to meet the teacher.

As challenging as my pregnancy was  it fills me with a lot of hope that my baby can go from ICU to big kid school.   I know if my kid can overcome her health difficulties and physical challenges who am I to be weepy all the time about a job.  

I really feel awesome and happy today.  Nothing else to say.


Nkenge

Scratch under the surface

My emotions were resting just under the surface today.  I was and still am extremely weepy.  I could barely hold back tears and frustration.  To work out that tension I forced myself to head out to the gym.  that workout was just what I need.    It got my mind off my pity party and focused on keeping up with my kickboxing class.
Sometimes it helps to just punch it out. I feel great. Sore but great I came home to new opportunities I would not have been able to see had I sat home and stayed in that negative sad place.

Nkenge.

Tossing 'N Turning.

This morning I couldn't get out the bed.  I was up all night toss and turning and about 430 am I gave up. I don't know what time I went to sleep. I do know I wrapped in stress and apprehension that prevented me from going to sleep. I tried talking to God but mid-conversation I my mind would wander off.  I could not empty my head of troubling images and ideas.

Sometimes not matter how hard I try to maintain positive energy the negative has a way of creeping in.

Faith and Love

We attended the wedding of a family friend this weekend.  Weddings always make me think of my wedding day.  It started out simply awful.  A near hurricane hit Miami that morning and I had an outside wedding planned.  It still was a beautiful event. Just moved inside.  I never complained and for a second thought it wouldn't happened. Nor did I forget myself and go bridezilla crazy.  I just knew I would marry my husband at 6pm on June 16th.
The wedding this weekend brought back to mind the feel I had that day. I was full of faith, hope, and love.  Sometimes, the most unexpected things make me remember to have faith in my chosen path.

This path wasn't chosen by me.  I would have much rather been getting ready for new students but I am taking steps on the path in faith that it will all work out.

Acting out in my fear

While driving with me girls who were all but bouncing off the car walls. Anyone with a 2 and/or 5 year old will agree.  The constant back and forth of questions , screams, fighting, chatter from the backseat was making the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.  While sitting at a light my baby asked one more question that I quickly snapped a response too.

 Then it happened. The car went pin drop quiet.

She said in the smallest, sweetest, calmest voice "Mommy, are you mad at us?"

I felt like an ass and wanted to cry.  My kids are so happy and so full of life and I was so wrapped in my own crap I didn't want to be bothered.  I responded "No, mommies never mad at you I just wasn't thinking. I apologized."  She said ok and went right back into 20 questions.  

I let my stuff spill out on my kids and I am so sorry for that.  They really are angels and my greatest accomplishments.  I would hate to let my fears and worry screw them up.  So I've been trying to make a conscious effort to not let my stuff (fear, doubt,frustration) come out on others. Its just not fair to them and it doesn't show my true self. 

Nkenge

No Job Now What

I lost my job. I am was a teacher. I really liked my job. I complained about it, dreaded it some days, believed I was grossly under-paid but I really liked my job. I loved my students and my co-workers.  I have been teaching for about 8years and This spring my principal called me in and told me they were letting me go because student enrollment was down and they couldn't afford to pay me.   I knew layoffs were coming I just didn't think it would be me.  So, I had faith. I'm a good teacher I will find something. Summer is over teachers are back at work and sadly  I didn't find anything.

I am now wrapped in fear that I will be unemployed indefinitely.  Since all my teacher friends trekked back to work on Monday. I have had an increasing fear about what is going to happen to me.  So to keep from going crazy I am going to write the blog. Trying to unwrap the fear gripping my heart and stand in faith like my mother has taught me to do.

Nkenge